stop & think

hya all,

i had a bit of a sobering experience friday. my nan, me mums mum has been ill for some time with senile dementia.

2 b honest i haven't really known my nan through out my life for one reason and another & so i didn't really feel that close or attached to her. this was a good thing in a way because it meant that i didn't feel a loss as much as my aunt or mum when she became ill and started to deteriorate.

recently she's taken turn for the worse, and i had done a brilliant job at being in denial about the whole situation. a good friend of mine had a word! n e sed that i should go to see her, because it wasn't something that i could do again if i changed my mind type thing, and that i should go to support my family.

i went to see her on friday.

it was awful. and i could see why i had tried to be in denial about it all for so long.

me nan isn't really there to be honest. just her body existing. we all know that its a matter of days or even hours that she has left but in all honesty its painful to see her in such a state, fighting for breath, her body is on auto pilot, breathing, functioning but beyond that nothing!

the most horrible thing about it is the fact that although she looks like she doesn't know whats going on i can't help wondering what if anything she can feel and if she can hear whats going on.

the whole experience has really affected me, far more than i ever imagined it could. i'm generally very level headed and have a general ability to detach myself from situations or emotions that i would rather not deal with or find uncomfortable.

the hospital ward is full of people walking the corridors in varied degrees of detachment from reality, dismissed as old and as generally not being with it.

existing not living.

i can't help thinking who are these people? or who were they? what have they done with there lives? what and who mattered to them?

at the same time being completely fearful of the prospect of imagining myself in that position some day.

just existing.

positive thought.

although this is a bit of a low point on the old post front,

i think once i'm over the shock of it all the whole experience, it will hopefully spur me on to appreciate the opportunities in life that i have awaiting me to pursue. i think ordinarily without all this going on i may never of noticed such opportunities & so never have made them a reality!